Tuesday, February 09, 2010

Hoarder/Journaler

I have the flu and am watching HOARDERS. Also, I have been rereading my journals lately.
One of the therapists on this show says that HOARDING is a way to hang on to memories. That's why I write everything down, I guess, although I don't really keep journals the way I used to.
But let me tell you, you just can't trust your memories, because they are WRONG. It's so easy to remember things completely wrong and to forget entirely.
For almost all of my adult life, I had this image of my teen years in my head; I was unwanted, the ugly one, the one guys wanted to be friends with, but nothing else, ever. Then I reread my teen journals. COMPLETELY WRONG! I saw the truth (or a version of it?) I deliberately sabotaged lots of potential relationships with boys because I didn't WANT a relationship. I just wanted the ANTICIPATION of one. Guys DID like me. Who knew?
These days I am rereading the journals I kept right before, during, and after I met Mark. Fascinating! My memory of this whole time- wrong!
I am sure I am not the only one to decide on a version of events and stick to it, thus creating memories. We invent these stories of our lives that are basically fiction. At least, apparently, I have.
I have always obsessively written things down so that I could remember, so that there would be a record. It's a proof of my own existence, and that things are real.
And now I know that the journals, the pictures, and all that stuff serves as a reminder for the truth, in case people like me go ahead and make up a a totally different story than what really happened and somewhere in my weird brain decide that THAT is the memory.

No comments: